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"Immortal"Written By: Debs-dragon Disclaimer: I don't own the DBZ gang a rich Japanese man does. I don't own the song "My Immortal" either, it belongs to Evanescence and as such all rights are theirs. Rating: PG 13 Warnings: Angst, POV, Death fic, Song fic. Notes: Chi Chi has suffered the loss of Goku at the hands of Cell. Several weeks have passed since then but the pain hasn't eased. Chi Chi reflects, remembers and tries to lay the ghost to rest and move on. // Indicates Song Lyrics.// Muchos Gracias to Ryouga for the beta!
"Immortal" January 2004 - Debs-dragon
I gaze out of the window, the setting sun bathing the landscape with soft golds and warm reds. I feel anything but warm. The beauty of the sunset is completely ignored by my vacant eyes. I wipe my hands on the tea towel and pour myself a cup of tea. Sitting at the kitchen table my eyes wander around the room, around the home we built together and once more I feel the lump forming in my throat. // I'm so tired of being here, Where once love and laughter flowed there now lies nothing more than cold emptiness. The daily tasks that used to be performed willingly now become nothing more than menial... mechanical even. I hate it here. I feel the small movement of my unborn child and absently stroke a hand over my swollen belly while the cold fingers of trepidation wrap around my heart. The fears from my childhood wash over me like the race of the incoming tide. I always dreaded being alone, left behind to face life by myself, to cope... Despite your assurances that it would never happen... It did... I hate you for that. // And if you have to leave I cursed you, begged you, yelled, screamed and threatened you every time you said you had to go, the uncertainty of your return the black cloud that hung over me and fed my anger. All I ever wanted was for us to be together, to live as a happy family and while deep down inside my heart I knew you had to fight, had to be the one to save and protect, it still didn't make it any easier to accept. Even now that you're gone, you're still here. Tormenting me. // Cause your presence still lingers here This time though you failed to return. several weeks have passed since that day.. the day I broke, sobbing to my knees when I received the news that you wouldn't be walking through the door again. I've been told that the grieving period is long past, time to let go and move on with my life, but how can I do that? Everywhere I look, everywhere I go there are reminders of you, as if your ghost is here, following me. // These wounds won't seem to heal, You swore you wouldn't leave me and now you're gone. The reminders of you are all around me and the pain in my heart will not ease. The tears run freely down my face, the wounds of loss still fresh, raw and bleeding. Every time they begin to close something again reminds me of you and the fragile healing is once more torn open and laid bare. They say that time heals all wounds but I beg to differ. No length of time can help me. My pain runs far too deep. How can you heal something you cannot begin to perceive? // When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears, // Everything you ever did was done with a passion, from your determination to achieve the impossible to the gentle way in which you would hold our son when he was first born. I can still recall the times when things got too much for you, when it all looked overwhelming and the dark onyx of your eyes would begin to well. Softly I would brush away the clear droplets, my own threatening to join them on more than one occasion. // When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears, // I can close my eyes and feel you once more in my arms, the hard planes of your body pressed against mine as I would soothe you and drive all of those demons that came to haunt you, away. // I held your hand through all of these years. There were many good times scattered amongst the bad and it is these that I try to focus on. Remembering the pleasant things and not the ones determined to destroy us. While I may not have been able to be with you in body at times... I was always with you in spirit. I could never forget you... I can never love again... The day you died you took with you my soul. You always have had and will continue to possess, all of me. // You used to captivate me with your resonating mind // I think back to when we first met, mere children were we and yet I sensed something different about you. You were intent on your goal, determined that nothing would stop you or stand in your way of achieving the end result. Through the years I came to admire that mind of yours. I know that in many ways you appeared to be *simple*, common sense eluding you more often than not, but given an opponent, one who threatened those you loved or the earth you felt bound to protect and that mind became a hive of activity. I could watch as it formed plans, strategies, anything that would stop the advance of the opposing force. despite the tag of *idiot* that was so often bestowed upon you I could see the genius that lurked in the depths. Somehow you passed that intellect onto your son. // Now I'm bound by the life you left behind, // I rub my hand over the swelling of my stomach, the caress soothing me as I ponder the unborn child within. What will he or she be like? How will they grow up? What will they think when I tell them about their father? While you may be free of the chains of mortality, I am still bound to remain. As much as I long, ache to follow you I know I cannot. The legacy you have left behind demands that I remain and care for it. // Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams, It's the nights I dread the most. The silent darkness that fills the house; penetrating to my very bones. When I finally manage to cross the barrier into slumber I am treated to a myriad of colored pictures, something akin to a movie and you are the starring role. No matter how hard I try the pictures of your face find their way into my dreams, haunting me with the knowledge that I can no longer hold you, share my bed with you or feel you close to me. As if that isn't enough, the wind whispers through the silence, invading my ears until I wake, sweating, the scream poised on my lips, your name tearing from my throat as I swear I can hear your voice in the cool night air. Am I losing my mind? // These wounds won't seem to heal, They still insist that the grief will lessen, that the passage of time will erode the pain, smooth the edges of hurt and all will begin to fade. They lie. No amount of time will ease my agony, these wounds will never granulate... never scar. // When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears, // My tears continue to form rivers over my cheeks and drip into my long forgotten and stone cold tea. I am powerless to stop them... even if I had wanted to. I wiped yours away for you... Where are you when I need to you wipe mine away for me? // When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears, // Too many times I find myself waking in the dead of night, screaming my pain and fear to the eerie stillness. I fought away your fears for you... Where are you when I need you to fight away mine? // I held your hand through all of these years. // Where are you now when I need your love and support? I was always there for you and now when I need that reciprocation... You're not here. // But you still have... Try as I might, I cannot hate you the way I long to. The love I still hold within won't allow that. I can never forget you, and thus I can never be free to love again for I always have and always will belong, body, mind and soul, only to you. // I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone, // Deep inside I know that you have left me and despite the opportunity I know exists to return you to me, you have made it clear that, that is not your intention. That was a bitter pill to swallow. // But though you're still with me The memories surround me; photographs, little knick knacks, the row of crooked bookshelves you attempted to make for Gohan. That brings a smile to my lips. I suppose that in many ways I still have you with me, in the variety of things you have left behind as well as in your son and the unborn child I carry. Thinking back though, even during the times you were here I was still alone. Always training, exploring, you may have been present in the physical sense, but was your heart here also? I guess I have always been alone. // When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears, // I raise my hand to my face and brush lightly at the drying trails of salt, the well has run dry... for now. // When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears, // With a heavy heart and even heavier steps I raise my weary body and turn out the light, shuffling to my bedroom where I don my night clothes and slip between cold sheets. I wonder what demons will come tonight to haunt me? // I held your hand through all of these years. // Unconsciously my hand creeps out to caress the warm skin that no longer resides beside me. Painfully it makes its way back; bereft. Alone. As I finally welcome the invasion of sleep to my exhausted mind and body I hold your pillow close. It at least gives me some small measure of comfort and if I inhale deeply enough I can still find a trace of your elusive scent. Maybe one day the sun will shine for me again, maybe one day I will be able to escape the ghosts of my memories, maybe one day I will learn to love again... Maybe... // But you still have...
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